Decayed dreams

In agony you wander this scorching path

Our crippled puppets aftermath

Smoldering limbs encased in brine

Sailors of life that ran out of time

Steal the gold from sunken spheres

Long unseeing, emptied of tears

Taste the riches of the dead

Forever enslaved, white robes stained red

Mutilated and fosaken

Crawling down this road

Feasting on decaying dreams

Is this the life you chose?

Drowning now in shadows dark

ou misplaced your pretty heart

Broke your wings and fell from grace

To travel to burnt earth with sinful face

Scavenge now for your belief

A vile and wretched dream theif

Dark angel with an unheavenly song

In this world you now belong

Sometimes I love you and sorry just aren't enough

I have been told many a thing from Kiwi. She keeps changing her mind she tells me I'm an amazing guy then she tells me I'm just like her ex, she tells me she loves me and can't live with out me and then tells me to never contact her or her family again. She tells me that I make her feel better about herself and that with my help she is getting a better self esteem, then she turns around and tells me that I make her feel awful about herself. WHICH ONE IS IT? Does she love me or hate me? Am I a good guy or a bad guy? I honestly don't know how to proceed everything I do seems to be wrong. There are somethings women need to understand. Men are not like you. We don't have the overwhelming need to voice our emotions the minute we feel them. We are taught our whole lives to keep our feelings in that showing them is not manly or tough. So we like to think through what we feel. We have very simple needs and wants. We are not always finding a way to manipulate or a way to hurt you. We are not emotionally smart enough to do that. We may say the wrong things. As a matter of fact we do that often. But it's not because we have the intent of hurting you. It's because we don't think the same way you do. What we think is comforting may not be. The way we express our love may not be the way you feel it. When I say I love you I mean it there are no ulterior motives. I don't say it to decieve you. I don't say it to get in to your bed. I say it because in that moment I really feel it and I want to express that feeling to you. I feel like for the first time I honestly don't know what to do with my life. What road should I choose. If I take Kiwi back what will happen. Will more fighting ensue. Will she begin to treat my daughter like she has treated me. That would break my heart. Thats what is really important in my life. MY DAUGHTER. I cannot bring her into an enviorment that may put her in risk, whatever it may be. I want her to feel loved and safe. I want her to have stability. I want her to never question her role in my life or anyone elses. She deserves the very best in the world. How do I go forward. My heart is breaking right now, but I'm willing to go through it so my daughter never will. Should I spend my life devoted to my daughter until she is 18? Should I wait on my happiness long enough to raise her. How can I know that the person whom I marry will treat my daughter with love and respect. You can never be sure. Kiwi says I love you and I'm sorry. But everytime I think about her a deep pain overwhelms my chest. How can I honestly get past the pain. I dont know if I ever will. How can I have a future with someone I don't know if I can forgive. Sometimes I love you and sorry just aren't enough...

My story

My name is... Well you can call me Phantom. Broken Phantom. I don't even know where to begin with this... I have never written a blog before. But maybe I should document my life so others can learn from my mistakes. Well what can I really tell you about myself? Well I have a adorable 5 year old daughter who thinks she's a fairy. So we shall call her Pixie. She has me totally wrapped around her little pinkie. She is a mix of a tomboy princess with a feisty attitude and a zest for life. My heart beats for this little girl. As long as I'm putting myself out there I will tell you the story. Pixie's Mom shall we call her Delilah. Delilah and I were about to get married we had been together since high school. I thought she was the love of my life. All I had ever wanted from life was to love and be loved in return. To have a family. I just wanted someone to come home to. To kiss me hello and goodbye. Someone to wake up to. Take care of when they get sick. Someone to talk to about the goods and the bads and hold me when I feel like giving up. I thought that I would find that with her. Our wedding was about a week away when I found her with another man. It broke my heart and as much as it killed me I called off the wedding. I gave my parents my honeymoon tickets on their way home they got into a fatal accident this was a very dark time for me. I could barely cope I had already lost a brother then my fiance and now my parents how could life be so cruel. 2 months later I Found Delilah on my doorstep crying. She told me she was pregnant and it was mine. I was ecstatic I have always wanted to be a father. Ya the circumstances weren't great but I was about to have a baby it was like a miracle Pixie is my own little silver lining. My ex tells me she has no money and no place to stay. I told her that I would give her money to get an apartment and to live off of. We settled on about 3,000 a month. Everything goes great and I was with her through the entire pregnancy. When I first heard Pixie's heartbeat a shiver went through me I was scared happy and anxious all at the same time. I got to see my beautiful baby girl come into this world. I was the first to hold her, and the minute I did I immediately felt a bond. Like nothing else mattered except this gorgeous blue eyed angel. Everything I had gone through had brought me to this. To be a father. I promised my self no matter what happened I would be there for her. I would be the Dad that my father was. I got her every weekend and I lived for those weekends I counted down the days till I could see her. She was the most important thing to me. When she turned 2 years old Delilah's friend came to me and told me that she was worried for Pixie's safety said that my ex would leave her for hours at a time by herself. This really upset me. I showed up at her apartment and knocked on the door. No one answered so I sat down on the step and waited. 30 minutes she arrives and Pixie is not with her. I asked her where she was ad she just said she is fine she is in the apartment. What her friend said was true. She left my daughter alone. I barged into the apartment to make sure Reina was ok. When I picked her up her diaper was soaked and her crib bed was as well. I changed her bed and clothes and then I went to talk to Delilah. I asked her why she thought it was okay to leave her daughter alone. She started yelling saying she is fine isn't she? I couldn't believe that she thought she hadn't done anything wrong I was appallled at her. So I did the only thing I knew to I threatened her. I told her that either she treat her better or I would file for custody. She just got a snide smirk on her face and that's when she told me "she's not even yours! You are the only guy I knew would stand up and take care of us" I just walked out feeling like I had been hit by a semi I was completely lost, crushed. I arranged for a paternity test and what she said was true I was not Pixie's biological father. I was in a deep depression that I just couldn't handle it. How could someone be so cruel.How could she take advantage of me like this. It was the second time that woman broke my heart. I keep thinking back to everything I went through and all the time I had invested in Pixie. Then I realized no paternity test could tell me that this gorgeous little girl was not mine. I was there for every ultrasound I witnessed her birth I saw her take her first breath and open her baby blue eyes. I was there when she took her first steps. That little girl was mine. I went to Delilah and told her I want to adopt her. She says maybe we can work out a deal. She said if I paid her more a month that she would let me adopt Pixie. So I played nice for a few months and finally we went through with the adoption. When she was three she was with Delilah when she was playing with matches and her dress caught fire. Causing severe burns on her torso back and legs. Pixie was in ICU for more than a week. I was infuriated. How could someone be so careless. Did Delilah not value the life of her own daughter. I had been taking notes and documenting what kind of a mother she was and several of her friends were willing to testify to her behavior. So I found a good lawyer and got custody. So Pixie is mine and her mother has been proven too unfit to even get visitation. Later Delilah told me that she didn't ever love Pixie she was good for getting her money and welfare checks and that was all. I couldn't believe I had ever loved this woman. I had finally seen her for who she truly was. She had hid who she truly was so well for the longest time. She didn't really care about other people. She just used people to get where she wanted to be in life. As awful as it was to go through this. I would do it again. To save a little girl from a life of abuse and neglect. I must say this little girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is so caring she loves animals and believes that she must find everyone of them a home. (usually ours) She fights for what she believes in. She is very opinionated for a 5 year old. When she loves someone she loves them with her whole being. She is smart and would gladly do anything for anyone. I am so happy that nothing she went Through with her mother made a lasting impression on her. Recently she has had another surgery I honestly don't know how I got through it. When she woke up she started frantically crying. In that moment my heart broke into a million pieces. Why would I put my daughter through this was it just for vanity? Most of the burns have been corrected and are healed but she still has a few more surgeries left. Should I wait until she grows up and can make the decision for herself? I have tried to do my best for my daughter to make sure she has a happy healthy life but where do I draw the line? She has gone through so much in her short life and she still has the happiest outlook on life. She inspires me everyday. She is a major reason I haven't given up on this miserable life. My heart beats for her. I will do anything I can to protect my baby girl and make sure she is safe comfortable and wants for nothing. I have been really ill lately and can not have contact with my daughter until I am better. Her immune system is down while she heals. I had my friend come take care of her while I couldn't. I mostly stay in bed all day. But every night around Pixie's bedtime she comes over to my door with her pillows and blankets lays down and tells me about her day. Then she sings our lullaby's and any other song that pops in her head. And she does that till she and I both fall asleep. She comes to the door during the day and says Daddy I really miss you please get better soon. I miss her so much as well. She is the light of my life. Recently my girlfriend we will call her Kiwi broke up with me. I thought she was the one I was supposed to be with. I loved her so much and I couldn't wait to have her be my wife. She was sweet kind and loving. Everything my ex wasn't. Although she was very hard on herself. I thought if I told her how beautiful and amazing she was she would finally start to believe it. I kept telling her everyday. But more things started to happen. I didn't fully trust myself with her and I think thats where all our troubles began. I was so afraid of being used I didn't give all of myself like I should have and that's my fault I know. Things kept getting in our way. She turned into a different person. She was no longer sweet she was vindictive. I no longer recognized the person I loved. I don't know where everything started going wrong but it did. I started getting paranoid that she was wanting to use me too and I panicked. I did and said somethings I shouldn't have but I felt smothered and manipulated. I spent less time talking to her to take care of my daughter and she took offense. I took ill and stopped using the internet for a few days and she took offense again and broke up with me. She told me that I kept her a distance and perhaps I did. She accused me of never loving her. She couldn't be more wrong. I loved her so much I still do. She said I kept her a a distance so I could disappear whenever I wanted. This was never my intention but for the sake of argument. Just call me Phantom. A ghost of a man. That disappears like the wind. A broken father who loves his daughter. A lost human being in search of love who can never find it because he lets him self get in the way. A soul caught inbetween. Ya you can call me Phantom... Broken Phantom...